Saturday, November 04, 2006
Jianhong's reflections.
On behalf of jianhong,
Here is his reflection.
With the O’s drawing near, there is an intensity growing in me. I supposed is the drive, the drive to do well in the O’s and get to TJC. Subconsciously, I know is more than that, I like to believe is my ego behind it all. Growing up, I have always been the go-getter (and to a lesser extent the arrogant bastard). It led me into believing that I was among the elites or at least a cut above the rest.
I guess life always has its turns and twists. The illusion of being the crème la crème was shattered like a mirror four years ago. I make the mistake or rather the right choice (as I would explain later) to have come here. Almost instantaneously, I discovered the fragility within me. The masculine guy that I always imagined myself to be, vanished.
No longer the egoistic person that I was for twelve years, for some time, I became self-diagnosed with inferiority complex. Psychologist defined it as a feeling of being inferior to others in some way. Too often, I found myself in a trance of self-doubt and cynical ponderings. I found myself able to seek temporary relief in crying. Shedding tears seem like ecstasy. These tears were dry and my cries silent. I put up a psychological wall. I like to think of it as self-protection from the battles that are fought seemingly everyday.
Everyday I had to withstand the pain and torture of these bullets of foul words. They hurt but were never fatal. I grew weary of the physical battles, but it was the mental battles that I gave in to. I chose the path of avoidance. For a moment, I seem to find peace and solitude again. It was as if those rough-sailing days were over. I was well-aware that it was self-delusion. Self-delusion, so be it, I contemplate to myself. I has unknowingly, became addicted to this state of mind.
Then came another phase of my life. It so happened that I found myself in a new class. It was a new environment with new people. I was totally clueless and pessimistic that nothing was going to change. Fortunately, I was wrong. Things change is the queerest of manner. I found new friends and rediscovered old friends. But still, a wall of protection remained. I derive at the conclusion that scars never heal.
I was yet wrong again. By the warmth of the people around me, the wall started melting. I started telling people things or secrets. It was a tremendous feat that I never imagined I could have done. I came to think of those precarious years to have molded me into the strong individual I am today. When I said “be strong” to you, it was because I have been through what you had. My confidence regained but in a different way. It wasn’t arrogance but something else. I had like to think of it as experience. I believed that I had grown and matured.
I had made the right choice after all. Perhaps, it is not the ego that spurs me to strive for TJC. It is perhaps a desire to experience a new environment, a new environment that would give me new experience that will make me grow mentally.
LOLed@
2:33 pm
